just post it

what to post? what should I write about. Is this interesting enough? nah it’s probably dumb stupid and boring. but I want to post something

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how do you defeat the fear of failure?

I realized that I don’t really put myself out there, don’t really try things (rather just taste them), making more and more excuses to myself why not to do. Thinking right away about the end result “so what will I get out of it?” Is it worth the time? well, yeah ok, but what if I fail? I just wasted time on something that I can’t do well.

mmmm……

usually it’s either I don’t have much to say like now and don’t bother to post it or it’s too much I want to say I don’t really want to start. but the wind might be changing. this time I told myself just write and post see what happens who cares write for one minute… this past 7 days I had another thing I wanted to do but always keeps on pushing it off because it’s so long and will take me a lot to organize, but I said just do a few kinda like one minute. (it’s a few old to-do lists of things or ideas I had so I want to go over them and organize)

mmm actually I might have thought one minute but I think I said more like “just a little bit”

hoping to keep this going

thanks for reading

lili

still here

haven’t left

just didn’t care enough to write something at the moment

It’s only 2 minutes… give it to them, they deserve it, help them grow…

Vancouver Film School VFX reel

I think I figured it out

I think I figured it out.

Although there are so many things I want to do all what once. There 3 things I should focus on and master before I start doing any of the other many things I want to do.

1) Improve my English.

I need to work on my, most importantly in my opinion, Vocabulary. And that is so I can read and understand better and then I will be able to learn better (and not get frustrated when I don’t understand the reading assignment). Also writing skill. I suck at writing essays and research papers. I just don’t know how.

2) Restore my voice.

Yes “so you lost your left vocal cord” so what LiLi! It is time to do something about it. That’s your one only option. And so that’s what I’ll do. I’m going to do what it takes. Exercise everyday. Eat right and make my body stronger so it can focus on those cords (I’ll also will probably even save some money). And also drink or eat things that help to vocal cords area.

3) Keep growing my goatee.

And even making it bigger (because I can always make it smaller). As I was writing this post. I figured why it’s a good thing to do and how to explain it here. I start things, and move to something new pretty fast (without finishing or really doing much in the first thing). So by been persistent in this case. By not shaving it off for at least 3 more months, I might get some sense some feeling of how is it to start something and actually stick to it.

Let’s hope I don’t change my mind tomorrow…

“hey, how are you? can I have your phone number?”

A note I wrote for myself:

Approach a girl. Doesn’t matter who, doesn’t have to be a hottie. She can be a so-so. Approach the chick, and say “hey, how are you? can I have your phone number?” with an expectation of getting a “no” respond. There is not much you can do, the “no” will hurt, but it will make you tougher everytime for the next time. You will be more relaxed. And then it is like the domino effect, girls will notice this confident. You will simply be you. Without stressing or stuttering. You will be relaxed. And good things will happen.

doing my job at the right time

So I was highlighting the shows for the side I’m starting the movies for, and as I was finish the pen i carry in my pocket was on the table so I grabbed it with the highlighter and was about the throw it in to the box with all the other highlighters but realized it’s a pen i brought from home so I didn’t put it there. As I was doing this I thought maybe the pen I lost yesterday is in the highlighter box, and sure enough my pen was there. I guess I did the same thing yesterday. Nothing special about the pen. I was just wondering where I lost the pen. It’s funny how the brain works. I carry a pen because I like to write things like this journal entries when I have some time (between shows).

Another nice thing happened yesterdays. I was doing theaters check (after starting the movies I need to get in to every theater makes sure the lights are off, the sound is ok and all that. Of course I do it from up stairs but I’m supposed to check from inside the theaters as well) and as I was checking one theater where the movie was about to end, to teenagers wanted to come in, so I asked for their tickets. I usually don’t ask. I see many people that I believe are sneaking in. But they could be friends of some employee which makes it ok. Many times it is some old person that I just don’t bother, kinda feel sorry for them. A part of me do want to actaually go and ask for their tickets, you know, just to use my power. But I pitty them and just ingore. Also not getting my raise yet makes me very careless. Anyways those 2 kids actually had tickets for that movie, it was just for a later show and a theater next door. But what was nice is that one of the assiatant managers saw me asking for the kids ticket so she would probably pass on that I’m doing my job…

and punch God in the face

If there is a God, then I feel like he is testing me. Every time putting some new obstacle in my way, trying to make me quit, quit my life. But I’m not ready for that, uhh no, I’m not ready for that. I’m not ready to give up! I just wish these obstacles would go away. I want to show up, make it to the finish line, and punch God in the face.

calling to change your mood

It’s funny and weird how one simple call changes my mood. It was nothing big, but still, it was nice.
On Wednesday I forgot my cell on vibrate and on the next morning didn’t hear when I was called about 2 deliveries I could have had. As my 2nd part time job, I work at Boston Market as a delivery driver, and the way it works is that the delivery manager calls us, the drivers, around 9:00am to ask if we are available and give us the location and time of the delivery. Now since I didn’t answer, my manager went to next driver on the list. Anyways, so I was a little pissed during the day that I forgot it on vibrate. I also had lot of free time and got bored. I hate getting bored.

Then I went to my other job (as a projectionist in the cinemas) and found out that I didn’t get my $1.5 raise yet. So now I was pissed again, really pissed. I started thinking what I’ll tell my boss. “…I still haven’t gotten my raise yet, either you guarantee that I will see the raise in the next paycheck plus an additional check with the amount of the raise times all those hours I worked since I was supposed and promised to get a raise (which was when I start working the projectors by myself) or I quit right now…” Lucky him he wasn’t there or I didn’t see him (there are like 7 guys working in the projectors and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t want to lose me, I haven’t screwed up any movies yet, others did).

But then, as I was building a movie, I got a call from my delivery manager asking me if I can do a delivery tomorrow (Friday) and that’s after telling him that Fridays are a problem for me. The reason is that on Thursdays at the cinemas we get the new movies that come out on Fridays. We need to build them, and then we need to watch them. There are a lot of other things we need to do, so we get off usually not before 2:00am. which means I go to sleep around 3:00am (after I shower and all that). So to get up at 8:30am and wait for a call from my deliver manager isn’t something I’m really looking for. I also need to sleep sometimes, not just work.
Now since he called me on Thursday evening (7:30pm) then I was able to say “sure I’ll take it, thank you!.” Another reason why it’s funny is because where I was at the moment I usually never get reception, but when he called I did have. I almost lost the call but had enough single to hear the time and location and tell him that I’ll take it.

I hope this post wasn’t too confusing…

bad feelings

Sometimes I wish I couldn’t feel because there is too many bad feelings, doesn’t matter how many good feelings are there, it’s just not worth it. And in my case they seem to be way more frequent than the good ones.